Married Life

[Geoff Cooper]

Summer 2007 i was working north of London and traveled home at weekends, kids had all grown up and fled the nest and on the Friday afternoon as i was on my way home i passed a Boat dealer and stopped to have a look as i had time in hand, Wow i like that Yamaha AR 230 in the showroom i said and at that i was supplied with all the literature to read at my leisure, When i arrived home i put the brochure i had been handed on the lounge coffee table to read later as i was going to shower and get changed, All of a sudden i heard the wife saying, What's this brochure on boats doing here i hope your not getting involved with boats again, I ignored the comments and showered and changed and came down stairs to relax, Did you hear what i said about the boat she said, Yes i heard i said, Well what you going to do because i will tell you now it's boats or me so take your pick, there's no need to be like that i said come on lets go upstairs, Oh honey i know you have been working away but surely it's a little early for sex it's only 7.30 pm she replied, Nothing to do with sex i said i just want to help you pack your bags.

 

[Wayloncle]

Sounds like a true story!

 

[Murf'n'surf]

What was her first experience with boats that made her so against getting one?

 

[rkluck]

Sounds like two strikes - 1. The boat and 2. It is never too early (or too late) for sex.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

Sounds like two strikes - 1. The boat and 2. It is never too early (or too late) for sex.

I have been married twice, My first wife died after she had eaten some poisoned mushrooms, It upset me greatly, As for my second wife she died of a fractured skull, She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

 

[Julian]

I have been married twice, My first wife died after she had eaten some poisoned mushrooms, It upset me greatly, As for my second wife she died of a fractured scull, She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

I literally laughed out loud at this one! Thanks for the smiles and laughs!!!!!

 

[Geoff Cooper]

When i first got married her parents promised me 9 Acres and a Cow.........I never got the Land.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

My wife ran away with my best friend of 30 years, I miss him a lot!

 

[Topper232]

Man you're on a roll!

 

[Geoff Cooper]

You think so? I haven't started yet!

 

[Geoff Cooper]

When the ex wife got to 40 she was looking in the mirror one day and she said i think i need a face lift honey, I replied what if the one underneath is worse than the one you have already!

 

[Bruce]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

 

[Geoff Cooper]

I've just been watching the news from England and apparently they have found a woman's body in a suitcase at Glasgow airport, Who said men cant pack.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

I met my wife online i placed an advert it said ...Wife wanted...I had more than a thousand replies they all said ...Take mine! On her profile she's said she was a size 12, I thought ooh petite i didn't realize that was her shoe size.

 

[Zarrella]

Wow....I thought Rodney Dangerfield was dead!!....Lol

 

[OCMD]

Gotta' join in........

Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection? A: So your wife could know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long.
Q: Why do most men die before their wives? A: They want to!

A rich man and a poor man are both buying anniversary gifts for their wives. "What are you getting your wife?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "I'm getting her a diamond ring and a Mercedes." "Why both?" asks the poor man. And the rich man says "That way if she doesn't like the ring she can still enjoy the Mercedes when she returns the ring." And then the rich man asks the poor man "What are you getting your wife?" And the poor man says "I'm buying her a pair of slippers and a dildo. That way if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."

A husband takes the wife to a night club. There's a guy on the dance floor giving it big time. Break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works! The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!" The husband says, "Looks to me like he's still celebrating!!!"

 

[Geoff Cooper]

I'm not saying the ex wife was a bad cook but the smoke detector tells her when the dinners ready, Has anyone ever heard of a Gravy knife, When i first met her i must admit she looked better over the Phone even the tide wouldn't take her out.

 

[Julian]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

 

[Geoff Cooper]

She was never the brightest of women but the night of our wedding i screwed her so much it made my Dick sore so i said I'm just going downstairs to try and find some Vaseline, Having not found any and could find nothing to relieve the soreness i poured a class of cold milk straight from the fridge and submerged my Dick and balls in it, little did i know she was standing behind me at the time, Ooh that's how you refill it is it she said.

 

[Geoff Cooper]

The first time i made love to the wife she said you haven't half got a small organ, I said you'll have to excuse me it's never played in a Cathedral before, She said have you taken precautions, I replied yes I've tied my feet to the bottom of the bed, She said your the worst lover i have ever met, I said how can you tell that in 10 seconds, She said you finished to quick, I said I'm sorry i haven't had sex for about 6 months, She asked me why i told her I've been in the VD clinic, She said what's the food like i said why, She said i go in tomorrow.