Miscellaneous Jokes....

[Julian]

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says

 

[BigN8]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

[Julian]

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer.

He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"

The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

 

[Julian]

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future

 

[Julian]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

[Julian]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

 

[Julian]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

[BigN8]

A blonde, brunette, and red head are all in the waiting room at the ob/gyn doctors office waiting to get an ultrasound and find out the sex of their babies. The brunette says, "you know, I think I'm having a boy because my husband and I had sex in the missionary position". The red head speaks up and says, "well I think I'm having a girl because my husband and I had sex with me on top". At that moment the blonde springs out of her chair and rushes out of the office shouting, "oh my god I'm having puppies!"

 

[leeatmg]

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

Full.

 

[Volffas]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?


Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

 

[Julian]

For @Englewoodcowboy ... some comedy to lighten your load...

A truck driver, having gotten reamed in his divorce, would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"I know", replied the priest. "Lucky I got him with the door!

 

[MikeyL]

A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like,
and she replies, "Bring me a beer."

The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"

To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

 

[MikeyL]

Joke For The Day


A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches,"Can I help you, sir ?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it ?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key !" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's penis is being exhibited for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself ?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans ....................


"OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too !!!"

 

[Glassman]

Stop me if you heard this..

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

 

[Glassman]

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

 

[Glassman]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

 

[Glassman]

Here's TEN dirty jokes......If I offend anyone, er well, what can I say I didn't write 'em I stole 'em...

1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.

4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.

6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.

10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.

 

[Glassman]

a few more....for the old married guys...

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.

What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

How do you make your wife scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

What’s the difference between a wife with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 

[Englewoodcowboy]

These are great so I will add:

The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?



I am sending this with hopes someone will have the know-how to make this damn thing work!




If anyone of you electronic wizards knows how to connect a surround sound DVD/VCR,

please let me know.My neighbor keeps asking me for help and my wife is complaining

about all the time I am

spending over there.



I'm really struggling here! Here's a photo of what her set-up looks like...


IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:

PLEASE BE ADVISED, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM. YES, HE BIT SIX PEOPLE WEARING OBAMA T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING PELOSI T-SHIRTS, TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH OBAMA/REID BUMPER STICKERS, NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THE CRACKS OF THEIR ASS, THREE FLAG BURNERS, AND A PAKISTANI TAXI DRIVER.




BUT, FOR THE LAST TIME. ... .THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!



NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING, BUT HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH.

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at thefront door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

 

[Englewoodcowboy]

Wife's Financial Investments

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news…”

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…my wife is so smart! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”