Miscellaneous Jokes....

[Englewoodcowboy]

PROPER WAY TO CALL SOMEONE A BASTARD


A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.


The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.


They were even after the first few holes.


The second guy said, "We're evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole.


The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.


The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.


As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.


He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.


The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.


The Pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.


The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."


The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"


The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.


And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them”.

 

[MikeyL]

 

[MikeyL]

I remember when I was a young child ...........

Once when I was lost ...

I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.

I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them ?"

He said ... "I don't know kid ... There are so many places they can hide !"

LOL !

 

[Zeus2013]

A police officer is watching a STOP sign that people are constantly running through. Throughout the day he has pulled over many drivers and issued tickets and has had some rude comments thrown back at him.
As he returns to his spot, he sees another car pull up, slow down and leave without stopping. The officer goes after the driver and pulls him over. He approaches the driver and explains he pulled the driver over for not stopping. The driver with an attitude says “I slowed down.” The officer responds “Yes, I noticed. However you did not stop.” The driver responds back “I said, I slowed down.” The officer responds “I understand that. However, again, you did not stop.”
The driver responds “Stop, slow down, same difference.” The officer having had enough of bad attitudes all day finally decides to take action. He pulls out his club and starts beating the man with it. The officer asks the driver “NOW, DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR SLOW DOWN?!”

 

[Englewoodcowboy]

 

[MikeyL]

NOTE: WE have not had a KILLER "Joke Of The Year" nomination ever.
Finally, one comes through, and here it is:

A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am ?" she exclaims.
"It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven ?"

St. Peter say, "Yes, my Dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."

Very excited, the woman asks what she must do ???

"Spell a word," St Peter says.

"What word?" she asks.

"Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."

The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love :
L-O-V-E."

St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven. and then asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.

"I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you're gone ?

St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done.

So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches
the gates. It is her husband !

"What happened ?" she cries. "Why are you here ?"

Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven."

"Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word."

"What word ?" he asks.

"Czechoslovakia."
​

Y'all have a great week now ! Mikey Lulejian - Lake Oconee, GA

 

[MikeyL]

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman from Lake Oconee, GA about her physical activity level.

The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I barely avoided stepping on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.

Amazed by the story, the doctor said to the Lake Oconee woman, "You must be one hell of an Outdoor Woman !"

No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really, really CRAPPY golfer !!"

LOL !~

 

[sstegh]

What does puppy and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.

They both have wet noses

 

[Julian]

Found on the internet....

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Which is why talking on the phone in the bathroom should be illegal....

 

[MikeyL]

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
The doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife,
and she was getting frustrated.
He checked his blood pressure and other things.
Then said he was going to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
Then he said - "Ok, good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband."

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband,

.......... "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you ...........
........... I couldn't get an erection either"

 

[justason]

After a long day on the road, a family walks into a hotel, not trusting his kid's with the hotel pay per view dad says to the front desk
"I hope the porn is disabled".....the guy at the front desk looks at him and says "It's just regular porn you sick f*ck"

 

[Volffas]

On a recent boating trip our friend Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath shaped like a lifejacket.

It's what he would have wanted.

Edit for one more morbid joke;

I have an EpiPen that I carry with me everywhere I go to remember my best friend Brian. I don't have any need for it, but Brian handed it to me as he was dying. It seemed like he really wanted me to have it.

 

[Volffas]

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.

When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield

The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that?

The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey.

The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.

 

[Julian]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

 

[subysti]

Why do they call it PMS?

Because mad cow was already taken!

Why did cavemen drag thier women by thier hair?

Because if they dragged them by thier feet they would fill up with dirt!!

 

[Bilmon]

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:



1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.



5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.



7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.



8. The 50-50-90 rule states, "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."



9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.



10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.



11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.



12. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.



13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.



14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

[Volffas]

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:



1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.



2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.



4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.



5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.



7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.



8. The 50-50-90 rule states, "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."



9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.



10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.



11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.



12. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.



13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.



14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

At my job we say that Murphy was an optimist!

 

[Bilmon]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[Volffas]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

That reminds me. A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

 

[Topper232]